I think I finally understand why I tend to hate myself so much. I was a jerk as a kid.. or rather, someone with a lot of repressed rage. No wonder I can't bring myself to save face in front of my family anymore; I was feeling things that kids my age aren't really good at expressing, and all the while.. somehow suppressing all of it? I was so bitter. Easy to see why though, now that I can finally see my history for what is; not just the memories I'm least embarrassed about. Like, in all those posts where I said hate; It was all over stupid unjustified crap. The shit that really bugged me as a kid was never any of that stuff. It was all them. My parents. The stuff they did to me that I was never really into talking about.. I used to reason them as saints. I placed blame on people my age because they too had difficulties expressing themselves. It was easier to take advantage of them who couldn't stand up. I was a bullied. And I was the bully. I still am a bully. And that's truly what lies at the root of all hate. A scared kid. A little bully; Sometimes targeting others, other times targeting itself. A bully isn't affected by bullying. It may change its target from time to time but its original goal ALWAYS remains intact. That is: Finding someone, something or anything to blame.
After all, for a child whose primary means for interaction include understanding, it feels natural to assume simple roles for good and evil. For those children whom choose to shelter this belief, they may identify themselves as protectors of justice.. or even advocates of evil. In doing this, they've delayed their understanding of the truly complex nature of right & wrong. This ignorance can also lead to hate. Essentially, hate is holding something accountable for an "injustice". So, in the mini courtroom within a child's head, a guilty verdict, in terms of interaction, translates to feelings of anger. When this anger is about something unchangeable (such as another child's personality) an infinite lack of justice can very quickly (within the courtroom of interaction) morph into the state we know as hate.
